Communication is key 1巻

Since I made a lot of typos in my previous post about communication, I decided to edit it, shorten it and publish it again, this time being more understandable. 

Why is it important to be aware of how we communicate with others?

I believe that communication is something that we learn over time, starting way back when we were still babies. Based on the conditions we are raised in, based on how our family (parents, grandparents, siblings, relatives) raise us, we develop certain patterns and habits of communication when we grow older. 

I also think that the first thing we have to do if we want to improve our communication skills in relationships with people, is become aware of how we grew up and how we were raised. Are you ever paying attention to how you express yourself or how you feel during certain conversations with people? Do you ever wonder why you feel the way that you do or why do you behave the way that you do? 

I do that quite a lot, perhaps a bit too much to be honest, but it has definitely helped me understand myself much better. And although I do not recommend paying attention to every single thought, feeling or emotion that you have (because that will really drain you out in the long run), I do recommend trying to be more aware of how you are feeling, to understand why you are communicating the way that you are. 

Because we as human beings are quite emotional and a lot of our actions and the way we express ourselves during our whole lives, depends mostly on how we feel and what kind of emotions are going through us at that current moment and those emotions on the other hand are created by connections in our brain which are activated by different triggers from our surroundings. And if we understand better what kind of triggers activate the connections in our brain which create certain feelings and emotions, then we can understand ourselves better and be aware of why we are doing something during a certain time.  

And these triggers could be anything in our lives. It really only depends on how we have wired our minds to function. And here are some exaples: 

• Let's say that you are on a diet and from time to time you allow yourself something sweet, like a chocolate. After eating it however, you feel bad right away. You feel a bit of guilt, maybe shame, as well as tormenting yourself that you are not good enough. But why are you feeling this way in the first place? Well it is because some long long time ago, you wired your brain to function like this when you do something against your moral code. It is the same as believing that eating chocolate will make you happier. It is all in our minds. And yes, I do know that chocolate does indeed make you happier for a certain amount of time, but the point of this example is that, we as humans or to say it better - our emotions, are very depended on outside sources rather than ourselves.

In a way, when we create a thought in our mind, we make it alive by filling it with emotions, thus creating the whole picture. 

Now, that doesn't sound that bad maybe, but think of all the other triggers out there that might be affecting our emotions and we might not be even aware of them that well. Have you ever wondered, why some people like to talk about problems right away and why others do not like talking about problems at all? Or why some people prefer repeating the same thing all over and over again, while others feel annoyed by it and want to have some peace on their own? Why do some people share personal things about themselves so easily, while others try to avoid that as much as possible or perhaps they only share such things to their closest friends? It is because these actions trigger different emotions and feelings inside of us. 

And that is the reason why I also believe that there are no bad people in life (in terms of human relationships), but rather just bad communication - a lot of misunderstandings, which sometimes add up to such an extend that the given friendship,family relationship or romantic relationship is ruined. 

That is also why I think it is very difficult to say what is the best way to communicate with others. Because people are different and that is why some people "match" and others do not that well. When we are with someone who communicates in a similar way that we do, then we reach more mutual understanding than we would have with someone who communicates in a completely different way. And I think it is very important to realize this, because it removes some of the negative feelings you might have towards a person with whom you do not understand each other that well, because it simply means that you need to put more effort in order to find a common ground to communicate, instead of giving up on the friendship or relationship (with them). 

Communication in Relationships

I really don't have time to go over all of what I wrote last time, but I will just go briefly over what my point of all of this is. 

I think that when we get to know each other much better - how and why we feel the way we do, then we can communicate better with our partners, friends and family. We become more aware of our good and bad sides and we work on improving our bad sides as much as we can, for ourselves and for our friends.  

Although I said that finding the right way to communicate is difficult, I do believe that there are things which are much more effective than others in term of communication and I will list some of them right now: 

• Being honest with yourself is probably the first one. Being aware of what you want from yourself and what you expect from a certain person can be very helpful, especially if you can discuss it with them openly and directly.  
• Adressing problems right away - If you are in a relationship, do not surpress your emotions and feelings. Neither should your partner. And if something is bothering you, find time - 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 15 minutes or more and talk about it right away. The goal is not to find a solution immediately, but rather find understanding between each other - common ground on which both of you to communicate afterwards. If you refuse to talk about problems, you will never reach a solution, believe me. The problems will appear again and again in one form or another and it will make both of you unhappy. Try to talk as much as you can, whenever you both can and after you are done talking, you can give each other as much as time and space as you want and need. Just let the tension off first.
• Putting effort and repeating - Have you ever wondered why your grandparents, parents or siblings would tell you all the time what to do and what not to do? And do you remember how you would feel annoyed by them repeating it so often? It is because you and them were not communicating with enough understanding. And of course, back then we were children and we didn't know better most of the time, but to be honest, not much changes when we grow up. And if someone is repeating to you things which you refuse to hear out, instead of automatically being annoyed by it (as you would when you were a child) since it triggers these kind of emotions in you, try to understand that they are searching for a way to talk to you - to share to you how they feel. Perhaps they really care about you. Perhaps they love you. So they are looking for a way to understand you better and make a connection with you. 

So next time before you react to the way you feel, ask youself why you feel that way. 

As I wrote earlier, there's a lot more that i'd like to share, but I have exams and almost no time due to university and work, so I'll leave it for another time! :) 

Cheers!